Irrational Disbelief Syndrome

Today I struggled with fear, resistance, terror.
I was in the via negativa not the via creativa.
Or rather, I encountered all the voices that stop me
when I move towards an essential creation,
a potent, powerful creation...a divine creation
so much fear
so much judgement
so much terror
so much self-hatred
the other side of creation
is negation
this is what is asking to be healed
within me
for the creativity of oneness
to flow
negation
self, life, love
my fears
failure
unworthy
sophomoric
not smart enough
not brilliant enough
too simple
i've walked the narrow path
now i am between a rock and a hard place
a friend recently said, "i am finding there is sooo much room between a rock and a hard place."
s u r r e n d e r
today i stay with my self
and after hours of beating against the rock
i fall down exhausted
tears come
and the door opens
i begin the book
i google the alchemy of love
the google ad for some fiber bar says...
(i kid you not!)
"You might be suffering from Irrational Disbelief Syndrome"
Really?!!
Beautiful, I've even created my very own syndrome.
That's how powerful I am.
Now, to turn that power towards the via creativa...
I embrace this darkness in me, this fear, this terror, this unworth, this hatred.
I rock those parts gently, I will love them into wholeness.
I am still scared and I am willing to go beyond fear.
I am willing to be an instrument
of the alchemy of love.
amen.